Would you stay out of this, should I?

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Would you stay out of this, should I?

Postby aspen13 » Fri Jul 15, 2011 5:35 pm

Should I stay out of this?

My dad remarried about five years ago. He was with his now wife for a couple months when she proposed. Prior to that she was never married. My dad is in his early 60’s and she is in her late 40’s. When they first got married she had her own home and stayed there during the week and would stay at his house on the weekends. This happened until recently, she sold her place…so mind you she did this for 4.5 years or so.

A couple weeks ago she decided she was too stressed at work and that she was going to quit her job. She called in sick and took all of her sick days which have now run out. She went to the doctors and is trying to get disability, which she does have some health and emotional issues she needs to be help for. My dad gets Medicare, and she has/had insurance through her work. She said if she gets denied she will drop the request, I told her they will most likely deny it and she should appeal, that’s the way the system works – to my knowledge. Personally I feel she should find a less stressful job.

My dad is retired, he lives on Social Security, he has very little bills, so his Social Security is enough to cover his monthly expenses, while he doesn’t have money for luxuries or things like that. My dad worked for 36 years at the same company, had a very poor and abusive manager the last three years, but stuck it out until he could retire and get as much pension as he could. Even in the last few years of work he had to often work night shifts, and his work is physically demanding.

His wife felt harassed at work because her employer wanted her to get more things done in time, but she was having issues with the new software and the company was relocating 5 miles further, thus she felt that would add to her stress and quit. She had a government job and was six years away from getting her full pension. I asked if she could get a different position that would be less stressful, but she said no, because of the new location, and she also complained about her bad hearing. I told her she could invest in a hearing aid, I mean she got braces last year, but complained that she didn’t want a hearing aid because of the cost.

I talked to my dad a little bit, I told him I was concerned that if something happened to her and she didn’t have medical insurance, or income that it could be disastrous for them since they will now live on his SS. He said he understood and had the same concerns.

Then this weekend he tells me that she wants to get LASIK!!! I feel like this woman is so out of touch with reality! It upsets me because my dad worked so hard to get what he has and its now at risk. I will admit I have never liked her very much.
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Re: Would you stay out of this, should I?

Postby tennesseewalker » Sat Jul 16, 2011 11:14 am

I would suggest to him to get a new separate checking account that his SS and pension $$ could be deposited into and that he pay his bills out of that account for his peace of mind.

Did she get a lot of $$ from the sale of her house? Having a large bank balance encourages large spending habits.

Even though you feel protective of your dad, I think you should let them work it out on their own unless he specifically asks for your help. Butting in can get messy. Remember, no good deed goes unpunished.
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Re: Would you stay out of this, should I?

Postby *Hope* » Sat Jul 16, 2011 11:43 am

If your dad is of sound mind, then yes, you should stay out of it. You have already voiced your concerns, and he agreed that he was thinking of the same potential problems. You've done your part.

Here's the thing: He thought enough of her to marry her. He knows you don't like her much, but he married her anyway. You don't want him to feel as though he has to distance himself from you because of his relationship with her. He'll figure it out over time and you need to be patient with him. It's so easy for us to see the problem and answer from the outside, but we don't have the emotions and history with the person.

Stay supportive. Only offer advice when asked. Be patient!

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Re: Would you stay out of this, should I?

Postby razzle » Sat Jul 16, 2011 3:09 pm

girl you dont need anymore drama , like the others have said above you have stated your opinions and you know your dad . He knows you are concerned . so for now stay out of it. R
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Re: Would you stay out of this, should I?

Postby Kate456 » Sat Jul 16, 2011 10:13 pm

I agree with all the good advice from the others above. One thought though. If your Dad should raise any of his concerns to you again, you could suggest to him that he talk to his wife about the two of them going to a regular counselor, or a financial counselor at his bank or credit union, to help them take a look at their financial situation and spending patterns. A good counselor should give him support in helping his wife understanding that she needs to be working, and have insurance, etc., not to mention the pension! She does not sound eligible for disability unless she has serious issues that make it impossible for her to work at any job. A good counselor would likely help them see that they can't live on his money alone without risking his retirement savings and help encourage her to find another job that she can handle. Your Dad could also ask the counselor to help them figure out how to best manage whatever money she got from the sale of her house. This would let you stay very much out of it while still trying to help your Dad keep from going bankrupt if she starts racking up a bunch of bills. A tough situation but at least he shared his concerns with you and you want to keep that line of communication wide open! Good luck!

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